The current transport overcrowding issues across London need serious attention. With packed trains, tubes and buses, people are literally being crushed on their commute. “Can you move down the carriage” and “come on guys, let me on” are words too often being heard across the capital. Despite their being little theoretical room to budge however, we do, which results in less and less space. We could sit at home and wait until something is done about this, let’s face it, first world issue, with the hope that more services will be provided soon, but unfortunately most of us don’t have that luxury. So, in the meantime, I offer you the following suggestions to give yourself that little extra space you so desperately crave on your commute.



If crowding means you can’t read your newspaper, get to your phone or even access your hands, these five methods are for you.

Of course what follows is subjective advice and you need to be cautious when implementing it. While it could give you your desired space, so too could it get you kicked off your journey or in some sort of trouble. You have been warned.


1) Eat an Onion for Breakfast

Breakfast should never be skipped. Grab yourself an onion on the way out – it’s nutritious, an easy to-go option and better yet it will give you some much needed space to breathe, as your fellow commuters will back off at the slightest of your yawns. Of course it could also bring looks of disgust your way, so it’s only for the most brazen.


2) Grow (Upwards or Outwards)

The taller you are the more likely you’ll be able to breathe (that is if your head isn’t crushed by everyone else’s arms). So put your Timberland’s on, grab some stilts or have some height altering surgery – your choice, budget dependent.


3) Skip that Morning Shower

Skipping your morning washes could make you the unwelcome neighbour to those standing nearby that you want to be. If people don’t back off as much as you’d like, your probably washing too often. So skip that shower. You’ll also save a ton of water and cut out some time from your morning routine too, giving yourself extra time to sleep, which in turn will help with your energy and thus mood anyway. Win, win.


4) Hoop up!

A good way to create a personal bubble is to wear a Hula hoop on your journey in. Think about it, no one will be able to physically invade your territory when you mark it out so damn clearly. The more space you want, the bigger the hoop you should use.


5) PDA (Public Display of Affection)

For this method, an accomplice is probably required. When you feel like the world is closing in on you, remind yourself how awkward people find displays of affection. Grab your other half and smooch away, people will soon back off. Remember to keep it PG though, this is still public space. If you can’t think of someone who’d be willing to help you may want to stick to the onion method.


If you think you’ve encountered one or more of these methods in use before, and believe me you’ll know if you have, next time, rather than feeling annoyed or even disgusted, take notes. You will thank me when they help you assert yourself as King or Queen of your chosen transportation, with space to swing a cat on your commute. Ah the dream…


This piece is also published at

London360 Deadbeat Joe Footer

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